105 Days

   What comes to my mind when I think of my upcoming 105 days is a poor college student's blog version of Eat Pray Love. Sort of. It took some discomfort and courage to post this personal chapter of my life, but I'm so excited to embark on this new journey, and hope you'll follow along with me :) Here is my (vague) story of the past 3 years.

     Life has not been easy for me. I was on the phone with a dear friend who lives in Florida the other night and before we said goodbye, he said he needed to tell me something. "You are different than when I met you... its not your appearance or the way you are, it's something else. Look at the photos from your first trip to Egypt and compare them to pictures of you last summer and even now."  Although I pretended not to know what he was talking about and asked him to explain, I knew what is was. When he said those words a chord rang through me. Someone, finally someone told me to my face what my heart has been trying to hide, what my mind has been pushing away for some time.

     As I looked through my pictures, I cried. I've been trying to ignore and cover up my affliction for quite some time now. The smile in my recent pictures doesn't seem to have the joy and spirit that a look or smile captured 3 years ago.
     The culprits: Being diagnosed with a disorder, circumstances, negative people in my life, things I couldn't control, making excuses... you name it and I've done it/ been through it. These things were constantly overlapping and sucked me dry of joy, energy, ambition, and overall zeal for my life. There's a Kings of Leon song that I always resonated with during my low points and in it he sang "I'm too young to feel this old". Man, I tear up just thinking about how dark those times were. I always wondered if anyone could see through my cover-up, or cared to. My walk with God was a rollercoaster... highs, lows, enlightenment, anger, questions, doubt... But I never let go, and he never gave up on me. My mantra was 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:" Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I believe that inwardly, I grew up and my strength was a quiet resolve to keep moving forward. As I hurt, I developed inner fight.
     Despite that now I'm picking up the pieces of a tattered personal life and trying to figure out what direction I'm going, I know that God is here with me, constant and true. That won't change.
     At the beginning of this semester there were some complications with registering for classes and I am now taking just one class- a tennis class. Its the only one I could keep for various reasons, so as of right now I basically and unitentionally have taken the semester off. I was pretty upset about it. I've been at this community college way longer than I anticipated. I look at my friends and most are in the process of graduating from universities, furthering their education/careers, traveling, and all these other amazing things. But I've recently come to realize that comparing myself to others is the #1 killer of joy in life and that my feelings/ negative outlook are not going to change the situation. I can't live a full life when I care so much of how others may or may not perceive me. So no more of that! :) 

Tomorrow, monday the 5 of March, there will be 15 weeks left in the Spring semester. To be exact, that is 105 days. I feel that God has sort of forced me into this period of rejuvination. Last semester I took off the semester to work so that I could put money towards buying a car that I so desperatley needed. Now I will use these 15 weeks to work on my life holisticlly; mind, body, soul. I realize I have an amazing opportunity in front of me. Thoreau puts my thoughts into words when he wrote "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived."

My goal for the next 105 days: I want to change some things and better some. I want to learn more of what I believe in and why. I want to get out of the box. I want to discover more of who I am. I want to heal. I want to renew my mind, body, and spirit. I want new perspectives. I want to restore the joy I had. I want to shed inhibitions and embrace change. I want to enrich my life and those around me. I want to learn, let go, explore, create, give, deepen, discover, be challenged, break free. I want to grow.

 To start things off, I'm going to document the next 30 days with a picture and a paragraph. I'll do my best to take one photograph that represents a stand-out experience from each day. And blogging these will definitely keep me accountable :)

If you're still reading, I have something to say to you: Thank you. Really. I hope you find something in my journey for yourself :)